The Break Up
You think of her now that the relationship is over but did you really have such warm feelings for her when you were together or is this your guilt talking, the convention that you do not speak ill of someone you once thought of as a life partner? It does skew your perspective, was she truly referring to you when those warm feelings were expressed or was she remembering her previous partner, something you had always suspected? You had always felt judged, compared, put down in various vague ways, catching her looking at those locked-away photos, those she wouldn't show you and her resentment at your request and your quick cowardly capitulation before your insecurities became apparent. We had never really fought over anything despite being strong minded independent people, maybe we should have done, just to clear the air, particularly over her previous relationships. You had often thought how she came to choose you. But there's the rub, did these former lovers really exist or were they to elevate you as the chosen one? Were you afraid to open Pandora's box when you could instead go complacently along believing we had something real?
There was that time of the play she produced and directed, and you sat in the audience, that after twenty minutes you had had enough of a drawing room comedy that wasn't very funny, particularly well-acted or to be honest, judging by constant use of stage prompter, particularly well prepared. Was this the project she had got so involved with over the past 6 months ? It was so important to her, this her first venture in directing and you had been so fully behind it particularly because it was Neil Simon whose snappy one-liner New York comedy you had always gone for and what was going on the stage was nothing you recognised as Neil Simon; this was an anglicised anaemic concoction that you simply couldn't believe she had got involved with. Just how were you going to answer the obvious question, had you enjoyed it and offer a candid answer?
The more immediate question you asked yourself was how you were going to get through the second half, you couldn't just leave and the thought suddenly struck you, should you be having these thoughts if your feelings for her were real but then there was the delicate question of honesty, if the play was merely passable you could fake some plausibly half-way honest answer but when it came to the arts you had had alienating opinions as she was wont to remind you. Subconsciously you realised that here honesty was not going to be the best policy, that is if you wanted the relationship to continue but then she hadn't held back in criticising you, so when asked you said “no”, you hadn't liked it and in that irritating way you have you even suggested one or two improvements. I was just too aware of how bored and trapped I had felt just two hours ago sitting in the theatre. Predictably her response was cold, what did I know about theatre? Obviously not as much as her, she had been acting for a long time before you met and just to be honest her being an actress gave me a buzz. But in relationships getting to know someone doesn't necessarily bear out the initial attraction and you cannot understand why you ever came together in the first place.
Was I just a bit too dazzled by her degree in drama and the fact that she taught it, her inability to avoid reminding you of this, in the way she adopted this lecturing way of speaking at times which I assumed came from her being a teacher. It wasn't very subtle, had I read Plato's 'The Republic'? Yes. I had tried it only to find it was impossibly dry and brutal 'What do you know about Greek drama anyway'? Frankly no more than I wanted to know. I had found it something of a gorefest and the symbolism mystifying. My tastes in the theatre were towards Rattigan, Priestley and Arthur Miller and for a jollier night out Alan Ayckbourn.
The thought struck me, I had never seen her in a comedy. I had looked forward to the Neil Simon play as something more to my taste and how she would handle this type of humour, had there been any.
I really should have been more sympathetic. I realise now. She had always wanted to direct, she found it so much more fulfilling. But it was harder work than acting. You had to truly know all the characters, their motivations and flaws and then impose something of yourself on it. All this had made less time for you.
At her flat the conversation became desultory and impersonal, avoiding any reference to the immediate future, something had broken between us that was never going to be put back together and when you left you both knew it was all over.
It was on the drive home mulling over our relationship when it suddenly struck me that I had never made her laugh, really laugh and therein lay the simple banal answer. We didn't share the same sense of humour.
Alex Harison © 2023